My Life...continued

[KegRun]

Well...I haven't said much of what has been going on recently in my life. And because I don't care what people think. And I post in here because in the general forum is just dumb.

But anyways. I've tried my damnedest to get her back. Her main excuse of why she can't get back with me is because she is scared that I will go back to be addicted to the computer and not spending time with her again. I spent as much time as possible with her before the 10th. On the 8th...I drove her up to the mountain (at night) and went a pretty far ways up. I then pulled over and put some cd in with a lot of love songs, got out, and then pulled out a foldable table, pulled out 2 long stick candles with candle holders and lit them. Placed 2 table mats with 2 cloth napkins with 2 napkin holders. Then I pulled out 2 plates and forks. I then brought out 2 wine glasses and a bucket of ice with champagne. Then I placed a vase of rose (pink since it's her favorite). I then pulled out 2 foldable chairs. I then brought out chinese (we love it). She was all about it too. She said it was so beautiful. But it was fkn freezing and shit and the wind was blowing...so we stayed there for a few minutes holding each other and tehn I took the stuff to my apartment and set it up there. Turned off the lights and lit a fire. And we ate and talked. But then she started talking about the bad again. So I just said fk it and went to the back of my apartment while she was in the bathroom and I just listened to a song that made me upet. I went back in and saw her on the couch and just walked up to her and hugged her. And she hugged me back and then I got on my knees and held her and then she started to rub my back. I then got on the the couch and she laid in my arm and we held hands. And then I took her home.

The next night was our last night together until she went to Georgia and maybe get married to this guy ( i say maybe becuase I could change her mind...but if I don't...then she will [AFTER FKN 2 MONTHS OF KNOWING HIM]).

So...what did my romantic in love ass do?? I rented a limo for 7 hours and made reservations with the number one romantic restaurant in Phoenix. I told her to dress nice the night before and she said she would. I rented a tuxedo (seems dorky...but I have always wanted to wear one with her...and if this was our last night..then so be it.) So I picked her up at 630 and my cheaffuer went up to her door and told her her limo was awaiting. She was shocked beyond belief. But she ddin't dress nice..she was just casual looking..but i didn't care. She was still packing and stuff and didn't think we were doing this. She thought maybe applebees and then rent a movie and then come home. SO anyways...we got in the limo and talked for like 2 hours..good..bad...and didn't go to the restaurant. I dropped her off and went in and we talked for another hour with her. And told her everything that I could...everything I could think of. And I proposed. And she said she couldn't after about 5 minutes of thinking. She then said..Matt...I need time to think about everything. I was like...but you are leaving tomorrow at 5 am to go to Georgia to see him and marry him. She then said..call me in an hour. So I got in the limo after a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong hug. And after we both kissed each other...but not on the lips. I then drove around getting drunk and then I called her. She said she was still going...but she is still thinking. So I told her more stuff and then hung up. I then called 4 of my friends..picked them up..and drove around for 2 hours getting hammered!!! That part was great.

I then woke up at like 9 and had this HUGE sinking feeling in my stomach since I knew she was gone. And I haven't heard from her since Thursday..and today is Monday. She wont be back until like Saturday or Sunday.

I wish I could sleep forever. Because in my dreams we are together and happy. And then when I wake..it takes but just a split second to realize that she is gone...and with another man. She didn't even call on my Birthday. It really sucks right now for me. I'm so fkn lonely and EVERYTHING around me reminds me of her. EVERYTHING. It sucks walking up to my apartment knowing that it is half empty..half empty of stuff...and half empty of love. Until she gets back and I see a ring. I still like have miniscule amount of hope that she will come back. Maybe she just went to go see how he is NOT in the desert. Plus his work friends were with him when they were TDY and they are her friends also. So I know she also went to see them. It sucks being so fkn lonely and knowing that she isn't.

The future I wanted is probably ruined now. I couldn't wait to have kids with her and see our son up to bat swinging at the ball on the tee. And then running the bases. And then me and her cheering for him all the way. Who knows...maybe I woulda been a coach. I couldnt' wait to see our daughter in a pink tu-tu and pink balerina shoes..going to practice..and going to her shows. I couldn't wait. I was so excited. I was so happy.

And it's gone.

[KegRun]

I had to vent. And I had to vent to someone other than someone that knows me and her.

So no offense.

[Beo]

Hey, you know I don't know too much about what exactly is going on, but from this post it's more than obvious to those reading it that you're a man in hurt....and your a man that's hurting bad.

I could sit here and post you a ton of cliches: (life will go on....if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be....etc.) but the truth of that matter is that healing from all of this is a self process that needs to begin within. Everything seems to be still raw and fresh on the surface. You need to make the decision that you cannot live a life like this....dragging your feet...wondering what coulda shoulda woulda.

Most of us have unfortunately have had our fair share of sitting in the exact same spot that you are in my friend, and it's surely no fuggin' picnic. It's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel you're standing in, and unless you progressively do things to make the initial steps forward to even begin to see that light, you will continue to remain in total and utter darkness with little or no hope for a better life.

My ex boyfriend kissed another girl once. We were living together at the time, and from that point it seemed like the world was over. I had to see him everyday and hear about this other woman and how he knew that she was put on this green earth for him. Well it turned out that it didn't work out between them, and he came crawling back to me. I however, as difficult as it was at the time, turned him down. No matter if I forgave him at that point, all that we held as pure was now tainted by the hands of another woman. I would rather not be with him then to live a lifetime of forever worrying if this would happen again...and live knowing the fact that another person had their hands on what I considered sacred and mine.

In hindsight, that's the best decision I've ever made. When I took a step back, it was much easier to see the picture as a whole - and to realize that he was NOT for me. Things have a weird and horrible way of turning out, but they do whether you believe it or not.

What you need to do is take baby steps to begin healing. What helps you heal might be different to what helped me heal, but you need to figure out what makes you happy (besides you thinking that she is the only thing in this world that can do it for you). Life existed before this woman, and as difficult as it may be for you to go back to that time, you're going to have to. Stop asking yourself "why or how"...and imagining the "only ifs". I don't mean to be harsh about this, but someone has to tell you to sack up. Pick up your fallen pieces and start moving on. Get her out of your mind. Put away things that remind you of her, and STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Stop grabbing for something that may not be there. As soon as you make this realization, the closer you will be to ending this horrible nightmare.

[KegRun]

Yeah..i hear you. And if I see a ring on her finger when she comes back...then I will be doing that very thing. But right now..i still have a little hope and I just can't get over it. I remember when I was working in Vegas and she came to see me. We walked the strip from sunup to sundown. We had such a great time. This was in April. I remember us going to the Paris cause I was looking to gamble..but cheaply with her there so she could to and have fun. Couldn't find a table I wanted so we we started to leave and the hotel manager stopped us at the front door and started to talk to us. He asked us if we were together and if we were in love. We said yes. He then asked us if marriage was in our future and she didn't answer..cause her answer was always yes. I said yeah maybe (maybe was said cause I was doing the stupid fkn 'guy' thing). And the manager said..well..if you want to get married here in the Paris...we will let you have our honeymoon suite upstairs for free. And what really hurts is that I started to turn my head to her and say 'You wanna? (with a smile that said I love you so much.)" But I didn't. I was FIVE fkn seconds away from it. And when I told her this last week...she said she really wanted me to and that she would have done it in a heartbeat. For 3.5 years I've dreamed of marrying her..but I wanted everything to be right. I wanted the kinks out of our relationship. And I thought it was finnaly. Oh well. heh. I've learned my lesson through this relationship. If it is finally over...then I guess so. But I can't can't can't can't give up until I see that ring. Can't. Because I'm not only doing this for me..but I'm doing it for her. Because I am and will be the best thing ever for her. And I know this guy is gonna fuck her life up somewhere down the road...and she will probably want to get back with me. But by then..it will be to late. Because I will have found another...and maybe some one even better. And I really want to try to prevent that future from happening. But until then....who knows.

[Peach]

aaww beo :( ::hugs everyone::
As she said...everyones had similar things happen and u think ur world is going to end...but someone always comes along and helps u pick up the pieces :)
Im sure ill hear more a bit later...let me know hun

[Punisher]

Usual nugget of wisdom courtesy of high Pun:
I say try to drink her memory away. If that doesn't help, I hear heroin is real nice.

Real answer (also courtesy of high Pun, but tainted with life experiences):
Obviously she holds some feeling for you, but it isn't enough for her to firmly commit to your relationship. Right now it's easy for you to picture everything you wanted, and you know deep inside whatever it is that people call the soul or heart, that she was truly the one for you. However, without a reciprocal feeling equally strong; as much as you try and persue this dream and make it work, there is a slim chance such a beautiful future would come about. If she has made up her mind, then so be it. The pain will be crushing for a month, two, three, a year maybe. But (yes to use one of those overused cliches) time does heal all wounds. If you truly love her, be happy for her and the choice she made, and let her go. Both for her sake and yours. She gave you one last night to see if she could find it in herself to give you the same commitment you gave her. The bitter part of me (Who went through something very similar) says she's gone...and trying to change her mind now can only bring more pain to both of you. The hopeless romantic in me says maybe she went to tell this guy in person she loves another.

[KegRun]

lmao.


Well here is another update.


She went over to Georgia and married the guy. I know this because in the military we have a thing called a global address book in Microsoft Outlook (and other buisnesses do to..but anyways). What that does is it hold every email address for everyone in the military. Well..one day i looked up her name and it wasn't there under her last name..i checked his name and there she was!!! I was hurt for like 3 seconds and then busted out laughing and told my boss and all my friends. We were all laughin and bullshitting about it. It was so fkn funny. Well...it's been like 2 weeks since she's been back and I haven't talked to her at all except for one time that had to do with business but it took llike 5 seconds.

WEEELLLLL....guess who fkn calls saturday night!!!! SOOOoo...we are just chatting like friends and she asks if i'm going out tonight and i was like yeah i am. She asked if i wanted to hang up and i was like yeah..but we'll talk later. Then...she says, 'Matt.......I miss you." I was like, "Yeah Laila...i miss you too girl" and then she was like,*she begins crying* "No..Matt, I don't think you understand. I miss you so so so damn much" and then she started naming all these good memories and shit. Which was exactly the opposite before she left. She fkd up and she knows it. LOL...HAHAHAHA. She wants to hang out with me before i leave and I don't know if i should. I thought about it and was like no..i shouldn't. But i need her to give me some money to pay for my rent since she fkn is the one who fkd up. So..i'm gonna go see her this saturday probably and I will be looking SOOOO damn good and then i'll ask her if she wants to go to lunch. YAYAYAY..i can't wait to see her face. Cause i've changed back to the good looking party guy instead of being the fat slob flaming cheeto eating computer nerd. YAYAYAYA ME!!!! ANd her husband is PYSCHO!!!! LMAO. That fkr deleted my number, my mom's number, and my g-ma's number from her cell phone. He deleted all my messages on her phone without letting her hear them. He told her to rip up all the pictures she had of me..lol. Then they drove by this one place where me and her went and she got upset because she said all she was doing was thinking of me while she was there. And he looked at her and was like..."WHAT..another fkn memory??>!?!?" LMAO...fkn PYYYYYSCHO!!!! BAH...she's the one who rushed into shit..oh well. But anyway. I'm not gonna go back out with her. I don't mind being her friend though later. Plus hey..who knows..maybe somewhere in the future we MIGHT get back together. But right now....FK NO..LMAO..it's fun as SHIT being single!!!