Techie funny's

[Vyper]

For all of us who've worked phone support.

The comments are mine.

Edited by the ex-tech for tech thoughts on each type of call/client. You might think I'm being insulting, and to a certain extent I am exercising a degree of sarcasm and snarkiness. However after 8-10 hours of this it gets very old and smelly and it gives you reasons to drink. ALOT.


>
>
> Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
>
> Female customer: A white one...

This is just cause for slapping someone particularly if your the support for the vendor of said computer. Not possible thru the phone however.

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> ==============
> Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
>
> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
>
> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
>
> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
>
> Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk... sorry....


Sigh. This happens more than people would believe. Once a day its funny. More than that annoying.

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> ==============
> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
>
> Customer: Your left or my left?
>
Not normally a stupid question but in this case....

> ==============
> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
>
> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
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> Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
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> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!

This customer is the one you wish to nuke and make go far far away. Permanently.

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> =============
> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Anthropormorphizing taken to its ultimate stupidity.

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> ==============
> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
>
> Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
>
> Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Funny and the customer forgot he's at work not home.

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> ==============
> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
>
> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

New user. This kind of ignorance may well be curable.

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> ==============
> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
>
> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
>
> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
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> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
>
> Customer: OK
>
> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
>
> Customer: Yes
>
> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
>
> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

A person willing to work with tech support. We like these folks. :)

>
> ==============
>
> Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
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> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
>
Tech supports thoughts: Just shoot me!

> ==============
> Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
>
> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
>
> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
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> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
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> Customer: Five stars.

Unclear on the concept. And probably shouldn't be on the net.

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> ==============
> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
>
> Customer: Netscape.
>
> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
>
> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>
Someone else who shouldn't be allowed on the 'net. However with much hand holding might actually learn something.

> ==============
>
> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


Its as clear as the mud as it covers the ground. Obviously a new user and unclear on the concept.

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> ==============
> Tech support: How may I help you?
>
> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
>
> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
>
> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

Haven't looked at your keyboard very closely have ya?

>
> ==============
>
> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
>
> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
>
> Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under window, and his printer is working fine."


EEKKKKKKKSSSS... A customer to make the tech lose hair over.

>
> ==============
>
> And last but not least...
> Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
>
> Customer: I don't have a P.
>
> Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
>
> Customer: What do you mean?
>
> Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
>
> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!


So your not voiding all over your warranty? Good for you. Now please listen to the nice tech more closely.

[Mozartt]

People don't realize how dumb people can actually be when it comes to computers. :) This is why I went into server support.

[Bluehen]

Great ones - and the one guy even knew how to use colleague in the correct form. A hybrid moron.


Others I've seen over the years:

Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

----
Tech: Ok, press any key to remove the screensaver.
Customer: I can't find the any key on my keyboard.

------
Customer: I'm looking for a good mouse pad.
Salesman: Sure, we've got plenty to choose from over here.
Customer: Yeah, but will they be compatible with my computer?

------
Customer: I've tried for a hour to get my new computer to turn on and nothing happens.
Tech: Well, is the computer plugged in?
Customer: Of course it is, do you think I'm a moron?
Tech: Have you pushed the on button?
Customer: Yes, thats what I've been trying to tell you. I've been trying for an hour to get the power button on the foot pedal to work!
Tech: Foot pedal?
Customer: Yes, the little pedal with buttons on both sides that connects to the computer!
Tech: You mean the mouse?
Customer: <silence>

-----
Customer: "Hello, is this tech support?"
Tech Support: "Yes, it is; what is the nature of the problem you're having?"
Customer: "I can't seem to power this thing up."
Tech Support: "If you are unable to boot your computer, sir, I suggest you contact the manufacturer. This is Internet technical support."
Customer: "Computer?"
Tech Support: "Yes, your computer."
Customer: "I don't have a computer."
Tech Support: "What is the item you are having difficulty with?"
Customer: "My new lawn mower."

-----
Tech: Tech Support, Hello, can I help?
Customer: Yes, there's a problem with my computer.
Tech Support: What is it?
Customer: Well, there's nothing wrong with the screen and the
software, but my mugholder has been broken.
Tech Support: mugholder? what's a mugholder?
Customer: You know, the thing attached to the computer
where you put your mug of coffee.
Tech Support: What do you mean, where on your computer do you have
the mugholder?
Customer: You know, where you put a thing, like in a car.
It's on a big box beside my screen. You push a button and
the mugholder comes out.
Tech Support: Is it a wide, square thing with a big rounded hole in it?
Customer: Yes exactly, a big hole were you can put your mug or cup.
Tech Support: In what way have you broken your.. err... mugholder.
Customer: I've spilled coffee on it, and it won't come out of the computer
again. I thought that it would work, as I figured that mugholders would
be allright to spill coffee on, as it is a mugholder.
Tech Support: Allright.... first I can tell you that it isn't a mugholder, it's
a CD-drive.
Customer: A what?
Tech Support: A place where you can run software CD-Rom-discs and music CD's.
Customer: I can run software with what?
Tech Support: It's called CD, Compact Disc, It's like a normal disc but with more
space. It's round and metalic and fits perfectly in your "cupholder". You put in a
CD in there and then it will run like a normal disc.
Customer: (long break) Ok.. But does this mean that I can't put my coffee mug there?
Tech Support: No.

[Vyper]

I actually have seen an actual call for replacing the "coffee cup holder".

Since I was the newb on helpdesk I thought the senior folks were pulling my leg until they pulled the call up from the database including the repair ticket to replace it. :D Of course Windows 3.1 was still the OS de jure. Win 95 had just barely come out.

[Bluehen]

I tried, but I couldn't find the one with a guy whose disk was stuck in the drive. He needed help because he sprayed wd-40 into the slot and then jammed in butter to try and get the disk out. For some strange reason, the 'puter didnt work at that point.

[Vyper]

OMG That would have been awesome to see. I mean WD-40 I can kinda see but butter? LMAO. Yeah I think if I was a computer I'd quit about then too!

[MoNeY]

post more please ahahhaha this is funny :D and thank you :D lol