Sasha
10-20-2005, 09:39 AM
Anyone ever see this? too funny. They put this in with our paychecks at work and I busted out laughing when I finished reading it. At least our adminstration has a good sense of humor.
Company Policy
Effective Immediately
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bad, we assume you are doing well finacially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangments. In rare cases where employee invovlement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through you lunch break and subsequentlly leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toliet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toliet paper roll with retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes! for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all you need to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a postive employement expereince. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.
Company Policy
Effective Immediately
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bad, we assume you are doing well finacially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangments. In rare cases where employee invovlement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through you lunch break and subsequentlly leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toliet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toliet paper roll with retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes! for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all you need to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a postive employement expereince. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.